I have been insecure pretty much my whole life. The first evidence I remember was in 3rd grade when I was so embarassed of wearing my glasses that I would rather have let my brothers read my diary than wear glasses in front of anyone outside of my family. How about 5th grade when I started going through a chubby phase, or 7th grade when I could have won a gold medal for the skill of changing into my gym clothes with my normal school clothes still on. Maybe 8th and 9th grade when all of my friends started coupling off and "going together" and the boys I had crushes on would inevitably have interest in one of my friends. Even in high school and college I passed on some opportunities in which I thought I would fail or possibly look silly (sports, plays, activities, etc).
I'm not sure why I was never secure in myself, I grew up in a big, loving family who appreciated eachother and placed importance on the heart above the outward appearance. I knew Jesus loves me unconditionally and that I am special and unique in His eyes. I don't think the things I went through are highly unusual, and I'm not sure what to think about that. Is the world I grew up in the same world that my nieces and other little girls are growing up in today? I think the answer is no. The world is a lot different....a lot worse. That is a scary thought. It leads me to believe that a girl who isn't shown love, who isn't cherished by her family, and who doesn't know who Jesus doesn't have a chance. She might set early patterns of insecurity that will lead her down a road of disappointment and heartache.
It hasn't been until the last couple years that I have started to feel less insecure. I don't think it is ever something that I will defeat completely, but by God's grace I am more easily able to battle off those feelings of self-doubt and self-consciousness. There are several ways that I can see how this change has developed:
1. Being "on my own." I would have never asked to graduate college without having a boyfriend or at least an interest, but that's how it happened for me. Being unattached allowed me to move to Columbus, buy a home, work at a job that I enjoy, find my own church, and meet many people that are so very special to me. It was also good for me to establish my own identity. I grew up frequently being referred to as "Jeremy's little sister," or "Ron and Barb's daughter," or "the baby." While those labels were fine and I was privileged to hold them, it was hard to be my own person under those roles.
2. Being single. This role forced me to get to know myself and discover who I am in my own eyes and who I am in Christ. Having plenty of time by myself has given me ample opportunity to pursue interests, build friendships, and discover new truths about myself and about God. I strongly dislike when people say "you haven't met your husband yet because you're not ready." I know plenty of people who got married before they were probably ready. In my case, I believe that God has done a whole lot of things in my life in the past six years since I graduated, and will continue to move in many ways before and after I walk down that aisle. Maybe no one is ever truly "ready." Maybe God just makes it clear that this is the person he made for you and opens the door for building a life together. Would I take back this time I had assumed I'd be married? Not a chance.
3. Being secure in salvation. The older I get, the more I realize how quickly the things of the world fade. The shiny cars look a little less shiny, the pretty clothes get damaged a little easier, the designer handbag wears just the same as a Target version. What I want more than those things is an attitude and firm grip of love, faith, and hope. Since I am a child of God, I know he has assigned a very important duty for my life. One of them is spreading His love to those who don't know Him. Penny was really good at that. Her legacy encourages me to do the same. If I am sitting in my little insecure bubble, I could pass up opportunities to be used. I am DONE letting insecurities rule over me. This includes being overly concerned about what others will think of me. One of my sister in laws once said "If your heart and motives are right with God, then you can't worry about what others think of you." That is something I frequently need to remind myself. My current life situation allows for others to speculate, cast opinions, and gossip. I have had to let that go to a certain extent and not allow those roadblocks to interfere with what I believe is a situation hand carved for me by a loving God.
Being a woman in the world is not easy. I hope I can take what I have learned and pass it to my nieces and the other little girls I have the privilege of knowing. As for you, insecurity, I know you will be a lifelong enemy, but I have a fearless leader, a strong shield, and a sharp sword and I'm ready to fight.
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